This is something I dug out of my archives. After my wife and I separated, I found a new apartment in Providence, but I needed someone to share the rent. The landlord suggested I meet with D*****, who'd been one of his tenants the year before. I was hesitant, because D was 21 and a student, where I was a 30-something dad. However, D promised to keep the apartment relatively clean, and to refrain from smoking pot indoors, so I agreed to make him my roommate. As you'll read below, he was a less-than-ideal human being. Sadly, his replacement was worse. What follows is the text of a frustrated posting I made to Craigslist. Enjoy!
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$1 Idiot Roommate for Sale - ideal housepet (Providence, RI)
Yes, idiot boy is in Providence, but I'm posting in the hopes that someone will take him far, far, away. He deserves a good home that I can no longer provide.
I like to privately call him "douchetard" or "idiot boy," but you can rename him to your liking. Idiot boy has a great number of positive qualities, which are outlined below. He'd make a great indoor or outdoor pet, or perhaps a medical test subject. Whatever; do with him what you'd like, just as long as you take him.
Positive qualities:
* Excellent fire starter - idiot boy is skilled at creating flames, as evidenced tonight by his profound ability to create a grease fire in the kitchen. Even better, he sustained the flames by blowing on them. This is a key survival skill.
* Economically and ecologically sound - idiot boy will save you money on hot water and soap, since he doesn't seem to use either. He also saves water by declining to flush his solids. This is another good thing - ecological awareness.
* Abstract thinking - idiot boy is fond of randomly rearranging furniture that he doesn't use. This shows an ability to think outside the box, and can be cultivated into a career in modern art.
* Powerful lungs - idiot boy's lungs are strong enough to take in, and then put out, copious amounts of marijuana smoke, which will perfume your living area with sweet herbal essences. No more needing to use air sprays; just let him do all the work!
* Ability to justify behaviors - idiot boy may ignore your instructions to him, but not for very long. He will use your good kitchen knives "just for a second" to saw through food boxes. This shows surprising self-awareness and higher-level thinking.
* Animal Husbandry - by allowing his food to rot on the stovetop, idiot boy has encouraged visitation by small rodents, which he will no doubt husband into a significant swarm of soft, cuddly creatures. Perfect for the kids! Idiot boy has also encouraged the growth of microfauna by leaving dish sponges to soak in filthy chili-water.
* Quiet - idiot boy is generally pretty quiet, particularly during his frequent vomiting episodes. These episodes are typically followed by comments such as "sorry, dude, Kool-Aid and bbq burritos aren't a good match." As a further point of clarification on "Ability to justify behaviors," above, he's also used the phrase, "sorry, I was going to clean the puke off the toilet seat in a little while."
* Innovative - when his phone died, idiot boy found a way to use mine, saying he was calling his grandfather. His grandfather is apparently a 20-something drug dealer, which in some part speaks to genetic superiority. If his grandfather looks that good, idiot boy is sure to age well, too.
* Resourceful - idiot boy managed to locate and transport a loveseat to our back porch, a loveseat he described as "in pretty good shape." By this, I assume he meant 'still vaguely shaped like a loveseat.' Still, he managed it all on his own.
Please inquire immediately; idiot boy really deserves a nice home or kennel to call his own. Act now and I'll throw the loveseat in free of charge.
* Location: Providence, RI
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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