A Writer's Creative Resume

Satire (săt’īr’) A form of communication using wit and irony to expose the ridiculous.  See: this resume.

Scaramouche (skăr’ǝ-mōōsh’).  Will you do the fandango?

Schemaille (shǝ-mā’), Michael  (1975-  )  Skilled writer and creative professional.  After a career as an English teacher, he changed fields to craft outstanding ad copy and produce inspired, compelling, and engaging writing.  He is noted for his way with words, sharp sense of humor, and creative approach to problem solving.

School (skōōl) A training ground for aspiring creatives.  Much as prisons prepare criminals to be better at what they do, schools do the same for teachers.   It’s all about stating your case, sticking by it, and bringing a skeptical audience around to your way of thinking.  You’ve got to be quick enough to anticipate emerging needs, and clever enough to meet those needs without anyone knowing they had them to begin with.  As it turns out, you learn more in school as an adult than you ever did as an awkward teenager.

Schmuck (shmŭk) What not to call the client.  At least, not while they’re listening.

Seduction (sĭ-dŭk-shǝn) A deliberate dance where one party tries to entice the other.  Examples include advertising and entreaties to join the Dark Side. Seduction is like flirting, but more goal-oriented.

Seuss (sōōs), Dr.      I can write, yes it’s true.  Let’s talk jobs, me and you.

                                    I am bright, I am keen.  You need me on your team.

Sex (sĕks) sells.  See: seduction

Skills (skĭls) Writing, editing, speaking, problem solving, teaching, project development, cooking, diaper changing, juggling (poorly)

Soul (sōl) An intangible, critical quality; deep feeling or emotion.  Something to stir, to inspire, to elevate and to speak to.

Strengths (strĕngkths) Intelligence, humor, compassion, persistence, attnetion ot dteail, cultural competency, extensive travel experience, word play.  Background in Art History and critical analysis.

Stop (stŏp) Not on your life; I’m just getting started!

Sushi (sōō’shē) An expensive and addictive habit that can only be curbed by those sweet, sweet writing dollars.

Hardly a Gangsta Rap

The following dates back to my days in the classroom.  It was for a 'rap battle' between teachers and was very  well-received.
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Yo, yo, Mister Bo!
I've had it up to here with this silly rap battle
You've got us in here, prattlin' like we're cattle
Now I don't mean to tattle, but you're foggier than Seattle

And while we're on cattle, we're talkin' 'bout a bovine
But I don't mean your wife, cuz' man she's lookin' fine
I've written fifty lines, I'm done with chapter nine, the plot lines intertwine,
What's the next thing you'll assign?

You can't stop these poetic waxes,
I'll school you on the Praxis
The IRS is sendin' faxes, about your last years' taxes.

Now, you're starin' at the class with your coke-bottle lenses,
But we know our verb tenses, our whats, whys, and whences.
Hence, we're not so dense from the knowledge you dispense.
Now listen up, Bo, and hear my two cents, don't take offense,
But on a teacher's salary, you'll never drive a Benz.

Now I've got to rhyme with salary, my rhyming burns up calories.
Teach us Thomas Mallory, or O'Connor, Flannery.
You're shorter than a story, your words need weight like Giles Corey.
Ask my man Coleridge, whose mariner was hoary, his rime colder than my rhymes, I'm out to win glory. Teach us something gory, like a tale from Polidori.

Now, yo, yo, Mister Bo, I'll tell you what I know 'bout Edgar A. Poe, or that poet Homer, d'oh!
I let my rhymes flow, rap on Odysseus and his bow, or a plot's plateau.
You want a quid pro quo, but your rhymes are slow, you're crazier than van Gogh. Don't talk, be like Marcel Marceau, my cup doth overflow.

So let me be clear, the end is drawing near. This is why I'm here, tell me 'bout Shakespeare, Edward Lear, and Chaucer's cavalier.

I'm done for the day, finished Miller's play, made impressions like Monet.
So tell me, Mister B, do I get my A?

The first in a long line of "Awful Roommate" posts

This is something I dug out of my archives.  After my wife and I separated, I found a new apartment in Providence, but I needed someone to share the rent.  The landlord suggested I meet with D*****, who'd been one of his tenants the year before.  I was hesitant, because D was 21 and a student, where I was a 30-something dad.  However, D promised to keep the apartment relatively clean, and to refrain from smoking pot indoors, so I agreed to make him my roommate.  As you'll read below, he was a less-than-ideal human being.  Sadly, his replacement was worse.  What follows is the text of a frustrated posting I made to Craigslist.  Enjoy!
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$1 Idiot Roommate for Sale - ideal housepet (Providence, RI)

Yes, idiot boy is in Providence, but I'm posting in the hopes that someone will take him far, far, away. He deserves a good home that I can no longer provide.

I like to privately call him "douchetard" or "idiot boy," but you can rename him to your liking. Idiot boy has a great number of positive qualities, which are outlined below. He'd make a great indoor or outdoor pet, or perhaps a medical test subject. Whatever; do with him what you'd like, just as long as you take him.

Positive qualities:
* Excellent fire starter - idiot boy is skilled at creating flames, as evidenced tonight by his profound ability to create a grease fire in the kitchen. Even better, he sustained the flames by blowing on them. This is a key survival skill.

* Economically and ecologically sound - idiot boy will save you money on hot water and soap, since he doesn't seem to use either.  He also saves water by declining to flush his solids. This is another good thing - ecological awareness.

* Abstract thinking - idiot boy is fond of randomly rearranging furniture that he doesn't use. This shows an ability to think outside the box, and can be cultivated into a career in modern art.

* Powerful lungs - idiot boy's lungs are strong enough to take in, and then put out, copious amounts of marijuana smoke, which will perfume your living area with sweet herbal essences. No more needing to use air sprays; just let him do all the work!

* Ability to justify behaviors - idiot boy may ignore your instructions to him, but not for very long. He will use your good kitchen knives "just for a second" to saw through food boxes. This shows surprising self-awareness and higher-level thinking.

* Animal Husbandry - by allowing his food to rot on the stovetop, idiot boy has encouraged visitation by small rodents, which he will no doubt husband into a significant swarm of soft, cuddly creatures. Perfect for the kids! Idiot boy has also encouraged the growth of microfauna by leaving dish sponges to soak in filthy chili-water.

* Quiet - idiot boy is generally pretty quiet, particularly during his frequent vomiting episodes. These episodes are typically followed by comments such as "sorry, dude, Kool-Aid and bbq burritos aren't a good match." As a further point of clarification on "Ability to justify behaviors," above, he's also used the phrase, "sorry, I was going to clean the puke off the toilet seat in a little while."

* Innovative - when his phone died, idiot boy found a way to use mine, saying he was calling his grandfather. His grandfather is apparently a 20-something drug dealer, which in some part speaks to genetic superiority. If his grandfather looks that good, idiot boy is sure to age well, too.

* Resourceful - idiot boy managed to locate and transport a loveseat to our back porch, a loveseat he described as "in pretty good shape." By this, I assume he meant 'still vaguely shaped like a loveseat.' Still, he managed it all on his own.

Please inquire immediately; idiot boy really deserves a nice home or kennel to call his own. Act now and I'll throw the loveseat in free of charge.

* Location: Providence, RI
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

The Beginning...

So...here I am, with a brand new blog, a blank page, and no idea what to write.  The last time I did any sort of blogging, it was Christmas, 2001, on a rather embarrassing LiveJournal account.  Well...here's to a new start.

I've long thought about writing a journal of some sort, and honestly, I'm not sure what's held me back.  There are so many things I'd like to process out, and so many ideas that I want to write about; hopefully this will be a productive space for me.  As a career-changer to the world of writing, I've got to write, right?  A man I respect and to whom I am very grateful reminded me of that not too long ago, and it's time to follow that advice.

I plan on using this space for a variety of work, largely consisting of stories about interesting people I've known, as well as some deeper and more meaningful work, with a fair bit of silliness.  This is all very new to me, and I've got a lot of work ahead of me.  I hope you'll stick around to see where the road goes.  If you like what you see, drop me a line!