April 6, 2011
Yelp darling,
Listen, I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. I can’t just sit around in this relationship any more, reading reviews while you ignore me. I need more, Yelp, and if you can’t give it to me, I’m leaving you. I mean, Urbanspoon’s asked me out like eight times already, and Hotpot keeps looking at my OkCupid profile. I love you, Yelp, but you’ve got to either make me your new Providence Community Manager or get off the pot.
Sure, our relationship has been one of convenience; after all, I’ve been using you for years now. I think it’s time to take our relationship to the next level. We can’t be passive partners anymore, we’ve got to work together for our mutual benefit. I’ve got to admit that all this time I’ve been keeping secrets from you; I haven’t told you where to find five duck heads for $2.00, or how to get cheap tickets for Trinity Rep. I’ve been holding out on so many things, but I’ve got to be open with you. It’s time for full disclosure.
You see, I’ve been seeing other people. Lots of other people. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “how could he?” But let me tell you, Yelp, it’s the only way I’ve been able to expand my social network. My people know people who know people, and I’m getting to know them all. Don’t look at me like that; I’m no whore, just a flirt. I know artists, accountants, chefs, and students. I know the local kinksters, hipsters, and coffee-shop owners. I can tell you who to speak to if you’re looking for a recipe for giant Thai waterbugs, or a private, in-home hair salon. I’ve got so many options, Yelp, so you either put a ring on this finger or get walking.
I’m a college graduate, goddammit, and I need, no, deserve more than this. I can work a room and plan awesome events, but are you ever there to see them? No. That’s because you sit there on the internet all day, and never get out of the house. Come on, baby, let me take you out; let me show you what I know, and what I can do. You know you want to. Just trust me, Yelp, and we can make this work. We need each other, we were meant to be together, can’t you see that?
Call me, baby, I need to hear from you. I need to know if I should keep you in my heart, or if it’s time to move on and see if those other websites can take care of the me way I deserve to be treated. Whatever happens between us, you’ll be in my heart, always.
--Michael
PS – I can’t find my cell phone charger anywhere. Did I leave it at your place the last time I spent the night?
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